I guess the essential downside of living in your head is the impermanence and uncertainty that cloud your mind every day.
The delicate traps of habit, routine, and tendency toward pattern within the human mind have found me both in love and in terror of the things I’ve constructed, not because they were necessarily lovely or terrifying, but because they were constant.
When a scenario finds a place in my mind, I struggle to ignore it. Whether it is an example of daily interaction that I anticipate will happen, or a once in a lifetime memory that I can only dream will one day exist, my mind has become very familiar with the notion of daydreaming; and reverts to it very often.
The problem with familiarity is it can bring along either comfort or distress in its presence.
As my life continues to evolve into something much more technical, with a lot more numbers and a lot more things to mess up (yay to being an adult), I’ve found myself reminiscing about memories and pieces of my past.
I’ve been reaching for feelings that I haven’t felt in far too long and investing all I have to recall the way my heart sped up with excitement when I felt music in my chest; or slowed with a calm feeling of purpose, and home, when I knew there was no place I’d rather be, and no person I’d rather be with.
Times when I felt my life was finally on the right track. That things were good, and they were going to only get better.
How sweet it truly is to feel that way, for even a second, when I can somehow navigate the clutter in my mind for a moment of clarity to transport myself back to those thoughts and feelings.
But then the after bite comes.
I realize that I often can’t decipher what actually happened from what I had imagined. I feel like over half of my memories are infected or enhanced, and what’s left are those so clear that I can smell the fire or feel the cool summer grass, and am only reminded of things that have ended.
I realize that all of the adventures from my past, are just that: the past. And I’ve been so fixated on trying to relive them that I have neglected to entirely recognize and appreciate those that I have experienced more recently. I’ve ridden tidal waves, conquered dragons, and flown through the sky with some of the best people in the world. (Who knew Canada’s Wonderland could be such a reviving experience?). The triumphs of that day should hold a nearer place in my heart, and a more notable place in my mind, than those thoughts that only make me wish I could go back in time.
I have to learn to live for the present and look to the future with my eyes open, my mind open, and windows wide open to all it has to offer.
This song has particular resonance with me as I am working to focus myself on the adventure that awaits me, rather than the things I’ve left behind. Especially now that I will be embarking on my first grand adventure within the next twelve hours. I would quote the lines that mean the most to me, but this post is already too long to insert multiple stanzas of lyrics, so instead I leave you with this empowering song and accompanying video by a band that means a whole lot to me: Paradise Fears.
It’s called What Are You Waiting For? and it’s message is one that I hope to embrace as I continue to make my way in this world.
So what’s next?
Firstly, I’ll be embarking on The Grand Adventure: Florida Road Trip Edition which I will be documenting both by text and by video on this blog and my YouTube channel. Then, I’ve got my first year of university to tackle.
Whatever happens, I know this year will be a big one for self-discovery. And I hope it is one that you will share with me.